I knew that starting university was going
to push me. I knew that studying nutrition and public health was not going to
be easy. But what I did not know is how proud of myself I would feel after
tackling some seemingly small challenges.
Every lecture, seminar or practical
presents itself with potentially triggering information and each time I find a
useful way to cope with the knowledge I have gained. Whether that is a rational
discussion with myself, a phone call to my parents, or a distraction such as
going out for lunch or a drink with my course mates. Of course, some
information is easier to handle than others, but every time I register just how
important this knowledge is in supporting my own recovery as well as leading me
on to a career that I dream of.
However, the mention of one particular
assessment during the first few weeks of the semester did cause slightly more
discomfort than others- a three-day diet diary analysis. Having quite gradually
made the step down from continual recording of the foods I am eating, the
recurrent meal planning and constant self-analysis of what I am consuming, the
thought of this task did not appeal.
During a previous conversation with the
course leader, my medical history was raised and it was addressed that this
task could potentially cause some distress. I was given the option to record
and analyse somebody else’s three-day diet diary, or simply make one up, but
that was not what I wanted. I felt strong, stable and confident in my ability
to record and analyse my diet for those three days, and I knew that it was
another challenge that I needed to tackle. I started this course wanting to get
the most out of it and I am not going to let my eating disorder snatch that
away from me.
I prepared myself for the fact that there
was a strong chance my diet diary was going to be dramatically larger and
varied than others within my group. I am still on a weight gain diet, and that
means three meals- two with puddings, and three snacks every day. I know that
for a lot of people it may not be normal, but for me, it has become a habitual
routine that I think I will find difficult to decrease when I reach that ‘all
important’ goal weight. I say ‘all important’, but I do not think that should
be a significant focus for those recovering, there is far more importance on
mental stability, but this works hand in hand with weight gain. I would not be
where I am today mentally if had not have nourished my body and provided it
with the fuel I need! So as I began to write out my three day diet diary, I
reminded myself of all of the important steps I have taken to get to this
point, and that my diet is not their to be judged or critiqued by others.
Fortunately, the recording of the diet
diary was to be done using an estimated measurement- no scales, no emphasis on
precision, just a general estimation on the quantity I was eating. It was
refreshing to think of how far I have come in terms of the fact that weighing
food and ingredients was normal to me 18 months ago, and the thought of
weighing it now seems strange! Of course, some things I still have to roughly
measure using cups and tablespoons but that is to make sure I am eating enough
and using the tools I have learnt throughout my time in treatment. As the
spaces filled up on my diet diary, I am not going to deny that it was
difficult, in my head I still eat a large amount of food, but I can rationalise
the need to do that. The next part of the task was the part I dreaded the most,
but it was something I could not dismiss…
Nutritics. If anybody is not familiar with
Nutritics, it is a database in which you can analyse the individual nutrients
in your diet- basically a more precise version of MyFitnessPal. For those who
have followed my journey right from the start, you will know just how
significant MyFitnessPal was as a contributing factor to the triggering of my
illness. Inputting each element of my diet diary into Nutritics, I was reminded
of just how time consuming engaging in this behaviour used to be! I cannot
believe how much time I must have spent doing this in the past, but more
importantly, how valuable and beneficial I used to think it was! It was feeding
into nothing but obsession, negative thoughts and outrageous behaviours that I
somehow believed was totally normal. However, I did worry that having access to
this database may develop a compulsion to engage with the software on a regular
basis, but I have surprised myself with how resistant I have been. As I have
acknowledged previously, inputting this data is time consuming, tedious and
unnecessary for individuals like myself, unless of course, for the purpose of
this assessment! There is no way that I would ever resort to this behaviour
again- I have too much to do with my life.
Unsurprisingly, the information generated
was initially quite alarming for myself to take in. In comparison to the
dietary reference values for my age and gender, I am consuming more than what I
need to be of various nutrients, but I am on a weight gain diet, and I cannot
do that if I adhere to the dietary reference values! After lots of
rationalisation with my psychologist, the course leader, and myself, I have
managed to absorb this information in a healthy manner and crucially, not let
it impact on my dietary choices.
I am still in recovery, I am still striving
towards a healthy weight and, I will be honest, I am enjoying life too much to
let this assignment set me back!
